Tuesday, 16 February 2016

I've been in this job forty odd years!!!!

Remember going on school trips when you were young? Remember the packed lunch that the kitchen would make on mass? Remember always having to hold hands with your partner and stand in a straight line? Lastly do you remember how irate your teacher would get if you flaunted the rules?

Being a teacher myself I can understand becoming irate when your perfectly safe plan is sabotaged by a fun loving child! The sad fact is that nowadays with the amount of risk assessment that needs to be done prior to the trip to keep the children safe and cover the school is inordinate. However at least once per annum there will be a school trip that will make the class teacher age at least two years by the end of the day.

Well Mr. W, an enthusiastic NQT,  thought he had solved the problem. He along with his more experienced colleagues had organised to go to a safari park. This meant that the children would be on a bus/coach, belted in and safe, and would in no way be able to break any rule! Thats right, this year nobody will be ageing with stress, everything would go swimmingly.

"Mr. W, you are a God damn GENIUS!!!!" he thought to himself.

So the school Mr. w worked in was a four form entry school, this meant that there would be four classes of 4/5 year olds on the trip, which meant the classes had to partner up on a double decker bus.

So the day began with the teachers partnering up. Now with Mr. W being a 'newly qualified teacher' he was partnered with the most experienced of the teachers in the year group - a sensible decision wouldn't you say?

So the day began - registration - "Good morning all when we have finished the register we will all try and go to the toilet!" A confident Mr . W said.

Mr. W counted all of the children 1 -25, made sure that they were all in partners to sit next to on the bus and then in a sensible line the class made their way down the corridor and out to the coach.

"I need a wee!" A little girl shouted at the back of the line.

Mr .W performed an emergency stop in the line and asked if there was anyone else who needed to 'go'.

Amazingly half of the class needed to go (even though they had only just been).

"No matter, I'm with the most experienced member of staff, the children will be belted in soon, as Dr. Pepper would say 'Whats the worst that can happen!'"

All of the children came back and got into their partners seamlessly "Are we sure we've all been to the toilet?" Mr. W asked, and was greeted by a chorus of YEAH's!

Mr. W got to the bus where he had found that Mrs T ( the most experienced member of the team) had pulled rank and put her children on the top floor.

"I thought..." Mr. W started.

"Now I'll hear none of this Mr. W, I've been in this job forty odd years..." interrupted Mrs T.

"OK no matter, carry on and have a good day with the children." thought Mr. W

All children on the bus and belted in - then Mr. W went upstairs to ask if the other class were all belted in so he could tell the driver to 'drive on.'

"I have told you Mr. W I have been in this job forty odd years, OFCOURSE THEY'RE ALL BELTED IN!" shouted a red faced Mrs T.

So on they went to the safari park. Mr. W was singing songs with his class only to have Mrs T take over and sing louder. "It's ok she's got forty odd years experience after all!" he thought. 

Mr. W then went on to tell some jokes to some children in his class, only to have... you guessed it 'the most experienced member of the team' take over again booming jokes that being honest were not even funny. "Keep calm, KEEP... CALM!!!'

Suddenly a young boy in Mr. W's class shouted "Can I have a drink sir?"

Mr. W replied "Can we wait for now until we get to the safari park when we can have a toilet brake?"
"Sensible, Mr. W, very sensible!" 

As Mr. W was saying this Mrs. T was routing through her ruck sack and pulled out two 3 litre bottle of lemonade which she duly shared out amongst her class on the upper deck.

Mr. W. asked quietly "Is that a good idea Mrs. T? There's half an hour to go on the journey!"

What do you think she said? You got it! "I've been a teacher for forty odd years..."

"OK, OK, you crank do what you want!" Thought Mr. W.

Fifteen minutes of blissfully ignoring each other went by (the most enjoyable all day as far as Mr. W was concerned).

Then it happened!!!

Screaming and shouting upstairs, Mrs T's voice booming out, shouting at random children. "HOLD IT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT!"

"Hold what?" Thought Mr. W.

Then it dawned on him! 6 litres of lemonade had been devoured by the class upstairs, and a bout of what could only be described as synchronised peeing was taking place. Amazingly it was about six boys that all 'did it' at the same time and no girls.

Mr. W could not keep the smug look off his face when the bus arrived at the safari park, as his class sensibly and dryly filtered into the toilets to relieve themselves.

Mrs T had a look of rage on her face, daring someone to question her forty odd years experience in the job. Mr. W was turning purple trying to hold in his laughter!

This was however short lived and as he was the only male member of staff on the trip, he got stuck with the job of changing and cleaning all of the boys.

"I don't mind but whose going to look after my class whilst I do this?" He asked.

Only to be answered by Mrs. T, I bet you can guess what she said!


Mr. W couldn't help himself, he'd took this all day, so he asked very politely. "There's no lemonade left in your rucksack is their I wouldn't want any more accidents!" Then turned on his heels to mop up six children!

Now the chorus does apply to adults as well!

Altogether now.

Oh the things they say!!!  

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