Saturday, 30 January 2016

We all make mistakes, just not THAT one!!!!

There is about one thousand small things that can go wrong at the beginning of the day in lower primary school! Experienced teachers tend to pre-empt most of these by putting certain activities or rules into place that take it down to about fifty small things that could possibly go wrong (25 children = 25 bladders and bowels).

Now this is done from a lot of experience (as said above), and because as the teacher you know the children 'inside out'. BUT dya know who doesn't? Student teachers!!!!

In a way I sympathise because in the twelve weeks they are teaching, they have so much work to do to prove that they can be teachers of a high quality. Another, meaner, part of me enjoys the fact that when things do go wrong (and I have to clean it up) I know that; one they have learnt a lesson, and two that wouldn't have happened to me.

So mistakes happen, we all understand that but honestly this one is one in a million!
I was given a student when I was working in nursery we shall call him J. J was a special student as he was also an amateur body builder. AND GOOD LORD DID HE GO ON ABOUT IT!!! He used to state "I'm that proud of my body I wear the tightest clothes possible, so my pants don't fit if I wear underwear! Honestly I'm not jealous (he says through gritted teeth).

I taught J as much as possible especially about pre-empting possible situations from arising, but all I would receive back is him droning on about his training and how much he wanted to write me a training programme (mainly because I'm a bit chubby).

Honestly, as I'm writing this I have a stitch in my side with laughter!

So all of the kids enjoyed being around J - they used to call him the Hulk, for obvious reasons! One day a little boy asked could J tie his shoelaces. J had no problem with this and engaged the little boy in conversation, as any good early year practitioner would, as he squatted down...

Then it happened - we all heard it! A huge tearing sound! J's pants had obviously tore, but I'm not talking about a little tear that you could possibly hide, I'm talking about crotch to crack!

This was followed by the young boy asking J very calmly "why is your woo woo out?"

J did that walk that everyone does when you are trying to get out of the room whilst coving themselves up and he went a lovely shade of deep red.

You see, I might be chubby but I wear underwear under pants that actually fit!!!

I am pleased to say that J amended his ways and passed!

And here is the lesson for all young muscular fir students. WEAR UNDERWEAR YOU ARE NOT IN A NIGHT CLUB!!!

Time for the chorus:

Oh the things they say!!!!

Thursday, 28 January 2016

A hero in the making!!!

Ah, the toilets! Think back to when you were at primary school and how much mischief went on in the toilets. Oh the laughs I had as it was seemingly the only place the teachers could not see us. Even now as a teacher my class often ask can they go to the toilet and I know very well that they just want to get out of the lesson! The last thing I need, however,  is to refuse them and have to mop up a puddle in the middle of the classroom (which has happen and is a story for another day). 

So on a particularly hot summer term's day one of the children in Mr. N's class asked to go to the toilet. Mr . N had no problem with this and let them go and thought nothing more of it. 

Five minutes passed and Mr. N wondered where A was "maybe he's having a number two!" he thought. 

Ten minutes pass - "Thats some number two." He thought 

Fifteen minutes gone and enough was enough, the lesson wasn't that boring so he sent his teaching assistant to go and look for A.

Seconds later the door bursts open "Mr. N come quick the toilet is overflowing!" 
I know, I know how is a primary school teacher meant to plumb a blocked toilet!... But Mr. N asked no questions and leapt into action like a poor man's version of an Avenger.

Throwing the door open with his chest proudly thrust out he saw the extent as to what was happening... and he wanted to vomit! The toilet and all the toilet held was truly overflowing and A was stood there horrified because the little whippersnapper had locked the cubical and crawled underneath the door!

Now Mr. N was not the slimmest guy in the world thus he struggled to climb over the neighbouring cubical into the cubical in question. After a good thirty seconds of embarrassment he finally squeezed his way into the flooding toilet. 

He fished out the two whole toilet rolls that had been stuffed down the toilet and made sure that the toilet would stop flowing. He threw the door open expecting a hero's welcome, he put on his best walk (that would look great in slow motion). 

All Mr. N got was a shrieking A shouting "URGH!!! Mr. N has got poohey shoes!"

Mr. N swollowed down the white hot rage burning inside him, slowly looked down and realised A was right! 

Don't cha just love kids!!!!

Say it with me...

Oh the things they say!!!!!

Wednesday, 27 January 2016

A public show of affection!!!!

Who doesn't remember school assemblies? You know the ones where you get to stand up and go beetroot whilst everyone either applauds you or sings you the 'congratulations song' (without rhyme or rhythm) and every one is supposedly proud of you?

This is where today's story begins, a similar situation!

Now Miss R was a teacher who made sugar taste bitter! She was so sweet, prim and proper that she was nicknamed Miss Honey (the teacher from the popular Roald Dahl book Matilda, go figure!).

All of the children loved her and they would often say so, and when she gave her award in the assembly, she would not simply say what it was for, she would embellish the point until the child would come out to the front of the hall with the biggest head in the city, and the rest of the school was  expecting fucking Einstein to grace the school with his presence!

Oh yes everyone loved Miss (perfect) R! But was she ready for what came next?

A girl, who we shall call M,who had learning difficulties, had picked up on every child's obvious love for Miss R. She was sat in front of Miss R whilst said teacher was giving her weekly sweeter than sugar speech about a child in her class when M began to interrupt...

Miss R continued undeterred by M, but M carried on calling her!

Finally Miss R lost her seemingly never ending patience and said "M what is the matter?"
M replied "I love you so much!"
To which Miss R said, looking around the rest of the hall with an element of smugness, "Oh I love you too!"
M then said "I've got a present for you!"
Miss R duly held her hand out and M took her hand from her underwear and put a little poop in her hand!

Needless to say chaos ensued all there were screams and shouts, teachers rushing towards M to obviously remove her as she had had an accident and then there was the pasty coloured, frozen in horror Miss R still holding the ever so generous 'present' which had been so benevolently bestowed upon her!!!! React to that 'Miss Honey!'

Its time for that chorus:

Oh the things they say!!!!

Tuesday, 26 January 2016

Be careful they repeat everything!!!

I love teaching young children, every day is different and always provides me and hopefully you no end of laughter.

This little short is all about a child's love for his dad.

Every time Mr. N asks the children about their home lives one particular child (G) always says about how much he enjoys spending time with his Dad. Even at parents meetings 'Dad' is smitten with his little boy and treats him more like a best friend than a son.

Now G is a very well behaved boy, always tries his best and loves to laugh! In fact he loves to laugh so much he became the class clown, he will do anything to make his friends laugh much to Mr. N's annoyance especially when trying to teach a full class activity!

Anyway, I digress. It came to Mr. N's attention one afternoon that G had called somebody in the class a 'smackhead' (if you don't know what this is please feel free to look it up just take my word it is not a nice thing to call someone).

Well Mr. N could obviously not let this go without a stern word being had! So putting on his best disappointed face Mr. N sat g down in a quiet space and asked him what he called the other child, to which G replied "a dickhead!"

"Hang on" thought Mr. N "I'm sure it was a different word that was fed back, maybe it was a mistake on the LSA's part."

Mr. N - "Are you sure that was the word you used G?"

G - "No." (big sigh) "I called him a knobhead!"


Mr. N (outwardly and calmly).  "Oh G, no matter what you called him none of these words are nice! Where did you hear these words?"

G replied nonchalantly "my Dad calls people it only when he's in the car, he says its ok because its car rules!!!"

Then G goes on to list words you would only here in the roughest pubs and clubs at closing time.

Another awkward parents meeting for Mr. N then!!!!

Its that time again, say it with me:

Oh the things they say!!!!!

Monday, 25 January 2016

The trials of Sex and Relationship Education!

So it has become statutory now that we teach Sex and Relationship Education (S.R.E.) throughout the whole education system. This goes from 3 year olds all the way through to 16 year olds.

Now as much as I agree with all of the research behind teaching the children, in a very child friendly, way from an early age, there can be a couple of hiccups along the way.

Take what happened to Mr. V for example. He had taught a lovely S.R.E. all about making sure you washed yourself properly (this was to 4-5 year olds).
So with skilful questioning and with the use of his puppet Eric, Mr. V the children explored the correct names for the parts they would need to wash every day to keep healthy.

Well a couple of days went by and the children got on as normal learning and playing throughout the day. In Mr V's class there was a girl who spoke English as an additional language (T), she was very shy and had hardly spoke for a good three weeks.

On this particular day T began to draw heart shapes in the sand, Mr V supported this by telling her the english name and then T repeated. This was a breakthrough! Mr. V drew a hand and then said "fingers" which T duly repeated, then he said hand which again T repeated!

Oh Mr. V thought he was a genius, english words flowing from this shy young lady who had barely spoken a word since the beginning of term! He was just about to engage in a victory dance (in his head of course) when a very perceptive boy we shall call D drew a shape in the sand which was kind of hard to make out. D then in horrific slow motion said "penis" which T duly repeated.

Now guess what was the only English word T remembered and repeated to her parents!!!!

Try folks trying to explain that this is part of the curriculum to parents who don't speak the language!

Altogether now:

Oh the things they say!!!!!!!

Sunday, 24 January 2016

Dad I'm getting bullied!!!!

Oh how horrible bullies are! As a parent and as a teacher I despise the behaviour and cannot abide excuses as to why such behaviours occur JUST DON'T DO IT!

This particular story takes place in the nursery class (3/4 year old children). In this class there was one particular boy we shall call J, who was shall a full head and shoulders, physically, larger than the rest of the class. Now j had larger hands than most, larger feet than most, a larger body than most but most importantly to this story a shorter temper than most!

Now Mr.N was a fun teacher! He enjoyed making the children laugh, play games that would have them smiling constantly, he cared when they were hurt and would try to bring a smile to their little faces. In short he would do mainly anything to make the children happy!

It did however, occur to Mr. N that J was not as happy as he could be so he made a concerted effort to  give J extra attention one day. He put together jigsaws with him, until that got thrown across the room! He played with the train set with him which got the jigsaw treatment, the sand, the water the paint all got the same treatment! Everything indoors was not working so it was outside the duo went to play!

The bouncing ball was a big hit, the laughter was loud and Mr. N got that warm feeling that we all get when we feel we have achieved a great feat! Now as this glorious thought was going through his head J had swung his foot at the ball so hard that if he missed the ball it he would probably kick himself in the head. On this occasion he did in fact miss the ball and his foot connected squarely with the daydreaming Mr N's lower regions.

Mr. N duly crumpled to the floor which brought great joy to J! The following day J, looking for another big laugh through in a left hook that Mike Tyson would be proud of... IN THE EXACT SAME SPOT!!!!!
Again Mr. N crumpled to the floor! J in heaps of laughter again!
Obviously this behaviour could not be allowed to continue so stern words where had with J by Mr. N.
This however, did not stop J, he made ingenious plans to "accidentally" smash, bang and wallop Mr. N in that region!

A week later and the straw that broke the camel's back was loaded! Could this child be bullying me? thought a now terrified Mr. N. No surely not "I know" he thought "I will take a firm line with J, zero tolerance Sergeant N is in da house!"

After that excellent pep talk Mr. N sat J in time out to think about what he was doing the next time that this happened. Thinking nothing of it he sat J in a quiet place whilst he, as a responsible teacher, turned the chair around watching the rest of the class. Also thinking to himself "surely he is not bullying a teacher!"
Now Mr. N was sat as we said supervising the class with his back to J just outside the room where J was sitting, glaring that hateful glare! Then everything went black!!!

Apparently J in his wonderfully angry way had slammed the door straight into the back of Mr. N's head and knocked him clean out! I'm not talking about over exaggerating the knock on the head I'm talking truly slumped, slobbering don't know where you are knocked out!!!!

After recovering Mr. N was sent home. When his father asked why he was home early, he answered "Dad I'm getting bullied by a 3 year old!"

I suppose this has nothing to do with what they say so we should shout

Oh the things they do!!!

Saturday, 23 January 2016

The Flasher!!!

All teachers have taught "difficult" children but secretly we love them. They give us so many memories and stories to retell and look back upon part of me thinks "what would we do without those mischievous little so and so's?"

This particular story is about one such pupil who was challenging behaviourally. Again it was the Christmas play, so you can imagine how stressed the teachers were feeling trying to make sure everything goes according to plan. 

Well one particular practice session was an absolute nightmare especially with one little boy (Y) who was involved in every problem that happened in the session!

Finally the teacher had had enough she reeled off the thirty strong list of what had gone wrong with the play that day to B and sent him out of the hall for a time out.

Rookie mistake:
Have you ever heard the saying "keep your friends close but your enemies closer."
This translated to teacher speak is "Keep the well behaved on track and keep your 'misbehavers' glued to your side fixing them with 'the teacher stare' until they can't help but behave!" Not as catchy, granted, but true nonetheless!

So now young Y was able to let those devilish cogs turn in his head and come up with a dastardly scheme. 
"I need a wee!" Y blurted out to the nearest adult who was around.
"Ok Y, but come straight back." (after all the last this we need is a wet misbehaving child) said the nearest adult!

So off Y went to the toilet were he proceeded to keep the door open slightly and wait for innocent passers by. Then when they were least suspecting it BOOM "Have a look at this!" he would shout and children being children would laugh and run in and tell there teacher. 

Before any teachers got there Y had flashed one to many people and when he said to A "whaddya think of this?" She replied nonchalantly "Not much really." then proceeded to yell to the whole school that Y had a tiny "spout for his teapot!"

Y went bright red and fumbled for his pants not expecting any sort of answer!

Well as a teacher you have to keep a look of outrage on your face in usual misbehavioural circumstance this happened for about five seconds until the adults could not hold in the giggles any longer! 

Y was escorted away from the crowd and it must be said dealt with professionally and calmly, he has become a legend in the staffroom as soon as someone says remember Y there are fits of laughter!

Even more laughter when they all remember the quick witted girl who managed somehow to do a better job than any of the teachers in nullifying Y's misdemeanours. 

Time for the chorus folks:

Oh the things they say!!!!

Thursday, 21 January 2016

The invincibility of a NQT!!!!

God I loved being a Newly Qualified Teacher! (NQT). I felt like I was Luke Skywalker or that girl off the new Starwars who I can't remember the name of... Anyway you get my point the force was awakened! With my pen as a proverbial lightsaber and my board as the Millennium Falcon we could travel through the educational universe fighting the proverbial darkside of misunderstanding and lack of progress! At least that is how this certain NQT felt up to lunchtime on their first day.

Being young and enthusiastic this teacher, who we shall call Mr. S, he was primed for a great first day in his reception class (4-5 years of age). He wanted to make the best impression on his class as he could, so he set up his class to have lovely activities for the children to do all day.
Throughout the morning 'yes' was his favourite word, especially to a little girl called C.
C - Can I go the toilet Mr. S?
Mr. S - Yes C.
C- Can I have some snack Mr S?
Mr S - of course you can C.
C - Can I play in the sand?
Mr. S - Yes.
C - Can I have another banana?
Mr. S - Yes
C - Can you read me a book.
Mr. S - Yes any book you like!
C - Can I have another Milk.
Mr. S - Yes you can.

3 bananas and 2 and a half cartons of milk later the ticking time bomb that was C exploded gloriously!

Projectile pieces of banana and curdled milk flew in bullet time at Mr. S. He tried to go all Matrix on it and dodge it looking cool at the same time...

To absolutely no avail!

Covered in vomit Mr. S give his most pleading look to his LSA (Learning Support Assistant), whome he did not realise was very squeamish and was heaving over the bin at his point. Thankfully the dinner lady came to take the children for lunch and Mr. S cleaned C and himself up.

A shell shocked Mr. S bravely came back in the afternoon(after a quick jaunt to Asda to get some new clothes), needless to say his answer in the afternoon to the most innocent questions was "No."

God I loved being a NQT!

Its all semantics.

There is nothing more annoying to a teacher when children do not follow your instructions exactly!!!!
The thing is when they don't follow your instructions nine times out of ten it is in fact the teacher not making themselves clear enough as the following situation well demonstrates.

Mr. N was in a really good mood because he very much enjoys teaching his year 1 class P.E (thats physical education for those of you that are not aware). However the one problem he was having was getting them changed into their P.E. kits.
He had then a brilliant idea:

"OK class, today we are going to get ready for P.E. without any mishaps! All you all have to do is listen to my instructions and all will be well." He said to the 25 eager eyes that were taking in his every word.

"All I want you to do is take your uniform off and put it on the chair you are standing behind before you get ready into your kits."

The children good enough began to take their uniforms off whilst Mr.N helped with some tricky buttons etc.

"Next Mr. N continued put on your P.E. kits and we will be ready to go!"

Smiling to himself, like that evil genius does when his plan is coming together in James Bond movies, he looks around the room at everyone but one child in their P.E. kits.

F, a sweet little girl, through tear brimmed eyes and a quivering lip stated "I can't do it!"

Mr. N patiently walked over giving a sigh "Why can this not... oh!"

As he looked at F's chair he saw that the dress had been put on the chair as you would a person, the same with the t - shirt and the jumper, the bit she was struggling with however was putting the tights on the legs of the chair because and I quote "it has four legs and I only have two."

"Oh F," Mr. N said "what have you done?"


A sheepish Mr. N helped F get ready for P.E. and she collected more sticker rewards in that lesson than any other to date! whether this was due to actually being good at P.E. or Mr. N's guilt, only Mr. N knows.

Its time for the chorus everyone.

Oh the things they say!!!!  

A Christmas performance to remember!

Now, I work in a Catholic School so Christmas is a big deal. The teachers spend at least half of the term preparing the children in their various roles using as much creativity as they dare to make the Christmas performance memorable and special for the parents.

One year the teachers decided to firstly perform a couple of songs and dances about modern society and how we perceive Christmas now (bare in mind this is a difficult job to do with 6 year old children). So the songs were about Christmas shopping (which went down fabulously), Christmas dinner (again went down well, excuse the pun!), and lastly Christmas T.V. namely the X-factor!

So the children began performing their rock song, like they were on the X factor. It was going so well, the audience of proud parents were clapping along, there were smiles of relief/pride from the teachers, even the little boy with learning difficulties (A) was keeping in time.

And then it happened...
The finale....

The children slid on their knees to the audience shouting Yeah, rock on...

Apart from young A who decided to shout

"You fuck off!"

You could not hear a pin drop in the room, all of the teachers began to panic and shuffle on to the next scene as quickly as possible, whilst A's mum sat there with her face turning a wonderful colour of deep red.

Say it with me everyone...

Oh the things they say!

Wednesday, 20 January 2016

Miss H's music lesson!!!

Oh the Things They Say:

My dear parents, it is with a serious timbre in my voice and a twinkle in my eye that I write some of the completely hilarious and, for you, somewhat embarrassing things that the children have said in class which have made me near burst with laughter!

As I have said in my previous post I am a primary school teacher and I will be publishing some of the wet-yourself-laughing comments that they have said. Being honest it is not just the children that say the darnedest things but the teachers as well.

The Orchestra: 

This is one of my favourites:

Miss H is listening to an orchestral piece in a very calm class and the children are trying to listen and pick out which instruments are playing and when (it sounds boring but I promise the children loved the lesson).
The class are getting on very sensibly and having a good attempt at all of the instruments. 
Suddenly within the musical piece there is the long drawn out sound of a certain wind instrument. 

Nobody in the class knew what the instrument was called so Miss H explained that it was called an oboe. 
One boy in the class quite sternly interrupted Miss H and said incredulously
"Miss H I think you are mixed up, an oboe is a stinky man who lives on the street!"

Miss H replies "I think, J, you may be referring to a Hobo!!!!"

What its all about!

Well hello everyone, I won't go on and bore you with full biography of who I am, but you do need to know a little about me to know where I'm coming from!

I'm an Early Years teacher (please don't groan I promise I won't type in my teacher voice), so I have to speak in a sing song voice all day and smile like sunbeams are bathing me with a delightfully warm caress all day - kinda like the 70's all over again every day!

I am a doting father of a beautiful 3 year old daughter and a proud husband to my beautiful wife who is also a primary school teacher (how sorry do you feel for my daughter).

Thats about it really about me, I have basically decided to blog for two reasons -
Reason number one: The children in the school I teach at are way more advanced than me in every aspect of modern technology - and I am the Computing coordinator (shy, embarrassed smile). more can be read about that on my other blog at

Reason number two: I love my job mainly because every day is different - my Dad always said to me think of something that has made you laugh throughout the day so that it is never wasted! Well in my job the children do something hilarious every day and I promise not one of them will be the same.

So for the foreseeable future I will be publishing some of the funniest moments in my 12 year career, I hope that you enjoy them as much as I still do. I also hope to do them justice.

Enjoy folks