Sunday, 13 November 2016

You're so money supermarket!!!

Honestly there are some TV ads that you can't get out of your head! Whether it be the song, the audacious filmography or just a quirky saying. o doubt that they do plenty of research as to how to keep it in your head.

Well not long ago a certain TV ad found its way into Mr. N's class. I do apologise for all of the readers that may have never seen this particular ad, but when you have finished try to find it on youtube and you will et how funny it was.

So in Early Years it is massively important to use every opportunity you have both indoors and outdoors. Mr. N strived to do this and was 'over the moon' when the workmen arrived at his school to build the new building - Look at all the opportunities, the diggers, the helmets the links that could be made." So Mr. N made a point of talking about what the builders were doing and allowing the class to  imagine what the building will look like even drawing up some plans in class with the children to design there own extension.

The children were so engaged especially a child we shall call H. Every time she sat down to do some work involving the workmen she started sing "Just a little bit more" by Liberty X.

Everything about you so sexy"

A very grown up song - Thought Mr N.

Well this went on for a couple of days...

Then it happened!!!

 Mr. N couldn't take the curiosity anymore and just when he was about to ask there was a knock on the door.

None other than the Deputy head walked in to have a quiet word. Ominous - Thought Mr N.

"Can you have a word with a certain H in your class to stop asking the builders to dance for them!"

"Wha.. OK" claimed Mr N.

When Mr. N got to the bottom of this with H it worked out that she was calling through the fence,


Here is the link for those that might not get it!

Altogether now.

Oh the Things They Say!

Tuesday, 19 July 2016

Show and tell!

As you all know by now I work with younger children. This is a privilege and a delight as they will come out with the most random comments that will bring you to your knees with laughter. Before we go into our next story I think we should take a few seconds to give a little kudos to those teachers that hear these comments and have to keep a straight face throughout the day in front of a class of innocent faces.

OK now thats done let's begin.

Most will remember show and tell sessions from when they were in school. Designed to give every child a chance to show off anything they wished to, whether it be a drawing on a crumpled piece of paper to a gold plated signed and payed for life size model of their favourite disney character!

All in all this is aimed at making children proud of what they have achieved. The best however is when they bring in a trophy as the amount of pride that is present on their little faces when they say how they achieved this feat is priceless.

So our story begins on a usual Monday morning where Mr. N is once again suffering that Monday morning feeling, rushing around trying to get everything ready for his year 1 class (5/6 year olds).

As per usual there seemed to be not enough hours in the day to get everything perfect so Mr. N had very smartly organised that 'show and tell' would take place every Monday morning, giving him a little more time to get ready for the lesson (I know very savvy indeed Mr. N)

Well the 9:00am bell rang and Mr. N put on his best, most welcoming smile and prepared to face the week. The children all entered with a 'good morning' or a 'hello sir' all bringing in various items that they would like to show to the class.

Mr. N spotted his favourite item that children could talk about, a trophy!

A little girl (who we shall call L) stopped in front of him like the Road Runner (BOING!!!!!) holding her trophy aloft, 'look what I won in my Beavers group!"
"Wow this looks very interesting - I can't wait to hear all about it!" replied Mr. N.
Well she showed off her trophy to the whole class and spoke so eloquently about how she had earned this award above all others in the group. She explained that it was in the shape of a beaver as she goes to a Beavers group and this was the first time she had ever won it.

Mr. N was so proud of her that he promised she could go around the classes and show off her award later in the afternoon. L was delighted and Mr. N thought "Yet again I work my magic, when they thought they couldn't get happier in steps MR N!!!!"


L was having lunch next to the deputy head teacher, who is a very religious lady it must be said, and still brimming with pride stood on a chair in the middle of the dinner centre and shouted.

"Does anyone want to see my beaver?"

Mr. N who was helping his class get seated suddenly paled - as the deputy head went crimson.

"Now L" said Mr N "we shouldn't shout in the dinner centre!"

L replied "But I'm so proud of it, you said that I should show my beaver off to the entire school, so who would like to see it?"


A chant across the whole dinner centre, BEAVER, BEAVER, BEAVER!!!! getting gradually louder.

In the crescendo Mr. N was thinking "World eat me up!" Especially as The Deputy Head now looked like she was going to punch Mr. N in the face several times as recompense for this obscenity.

When all of the commotion had died down and Mr. N had spent a couple of awkward moments with the boss, the laughter in the staffroom rang out for weeks afterwards, Mr N still to this day has his very own beaver award!

Shout it out everyone:


Once again if you have any funny stories that have happened at home or at school please share them or leave a comment. 

Wednesday, 13 July 2016


OK we have all been there, on a Monday morning and wen can't think of anything that we could put on the writing table that would in any way enthuse the children to write. So we say "write me some news!" or "Write what you did over the weekend." I hated that when I was in school, I hate myself for falling into the lazy trap more than a couple of times over my career and don't blame the children for not producing their best work as a consequence.

Anyway enough of my pompous opinions!

Not so long ago there was a teacher we shall call Mr S. who had fell into the same trap. But, being a determined young man he was hell bent on making 'news' exciting. So with this sudden inspiration he strides to the library and found a book called Baloney. Now this book was named as such due to the main character speaks utter baloney! For example:

It all starts when a zimulis is misplaced. It is on a deski in a torakku on the way to szkola, and suddenly the torakku goes past! Henry grabbed his zimulis and jumped out, right onto a razzo launch pad. He opened the pordo and landed on the next razzo while it was blasting off.

Wow - how could you fail to enjoy all of that silly language? Thought Mr. S.

He read the book to the class and they loved it! They laughed and made up 'baloney' words of their own and Mr. S soaked it all in, then like a cat saw his chance and pounced!

"Could anyone think of a 'baloney' word and put it in their news?" He gave a couple of examples
I dropped my pencil became I dropped my pimputle!

The children lapped it up and instantly began to write the most strange and beautiful sentences.


One little boy called M was very excited to show Mr. S his sentence (as he normally doesn't like writing, so you can imagine how proud he was).

How great am I though Mr. S even the kids who don't want to write are loving it! GEEEEENNNNNIIIUUUUSSSS!!!

Then he read the sentence and near fell of his chair!

It read (and remember children write phonetically so it wasn't spelt exactly correctly).
"I stayed at home all weekend and played with my nob."
Mr. S "Oh M which is your baloney word?"
M "Nob!"
Mr. S "Are you sure you don't want to change that word M?"
M "I'm sure."

So then it got a little worse as Mr. S inevitably had to ask M to draw a picture of himself playing with his nob, just to find out what he meant by that word!

Then it got even worse as M drew a picture of himself playing a game with his brother, so he basically has nicknamed his brother as a knob!

I literally laughed for 2 hours straight hearing Mr. S tell this story.

Kudos to Mr S as he, even with this slight discrepancy, made news fun!

Say it together everyone:

Oh the things they say!!!!! 

Tuesday, 14 June 2016

A rookie mistake!!!!

My previous blogs have stated how much I love teaching students. The main reasons for this are a little cheesy like - its nice welcoming new and enthusiastic people to the profession of teaching (extend middle finger, insert into mouth and make a puking noise). So other than the obvious cheese that could be spouted one of the main reasons for enjoying teaching students is the general naivety that comes with them, which can lead to the most hilarious circumstances.

So whether a teacher or a student we have all felt nervous when getting observed by our superiors, simply because none of us truly get into the profession to mess up children's education, quite the opposite in fact!

This was happening to a very capable young man we shall call Mr. T who had spent the whole week creating a most spectacular spectacle of a lesson for a reception class (4/5 year olds). He had, in-fact, worked so hard throughout the week he was admittedly running on empty by the time the lesson came along.

After some last minute coaching from his school mentor he was ready to teach the perfect lesson. He had set up the class so well the children were transported to exactly the place they needed to be to enable them to write creatively. His tutor was so impressed she commented on it throughout the introduction.

Then it happened...

Everything that could have possibly went wrong did! The Interactive Whiteboard froze stalling the lesson and inevitably putting the children out of their stride! One child decided to vomit on the floor midway through his explanation of how to write instructions, another circumstance that understandably put the children off task.

You can well imagine what Mr. T is now thinking 'Could anything else go wrong in this God-forsaken lesson observation?' 

Answer Hell yeah!

Now Mr. T had hit a period of panic! He felt he needed the lesson to move on come hell or high water! So he started that desperate thing we all do when we are questioning the children, he started to slowly say the beginning of the answer so he could at least feel like he was teaching them something.
An example for those that don't understand
"Bobby what is two plus one?"
Bobby says "Erm!"
Teacher says "thrrrrrrr"
Bobby "thrrrrrrr!"
You get the point.

Well Mr. T had begun to talk about the reading area in the classroom. He told the children that in there they may find an atlas.
"What do you find in an atlas do you think?"
He was met by the inevitable chorus of 'erms.

Now we all know that we find information about different countries, and this is all he wanted the children to say.

Has anyone figured out what he might have said to the children yet?

Thats right he dropped the c-bomb, three times! Lets relive it!

Mr T "What do we find in an atlas?"
Children "Erm!"
Mr. T "Cunt..."
Children then repeated "Cunt!"
Mr T was so nervous he didn't hear it so he repeated a little louder and slower "CUUUUNNNT!"
To which the children duly replied "CUUUUNNNT!
Mr T got halfway through the next C-bomb when he saw his mentor's purple face, his tutors look of disgust, and his teaching assistants mouth wide open in surprise!
Mr. T bravely and very red-faced finished the lesson and duly apologised to all involved.

Say it with me folks!

Oh the things they say!!!!!

I am pleased to report that Mr. T passed his teaching degree and no longer commits the same rookie mistakes. 

Saturday, 30 April 2016

Learning the hard way!

Now do you remember passing notes around the classroom and sniggering with your friends? Do you remember how irate your teacher would get when they caught you? The funny thing is that they did the exact same when they were in school!

It is different now however, as we live in a digital world were a mere note can go viral in the matter of hours! Thus it is the job of every good teacher to protect children from cyber bullying and such likes through the powerful tool of education.

This was the philosophy of Miss F who is still to this day a superb teacher. She believed that instead of "firewalling" up your internet so that it is impossible to get anything done, we should be constantly teaching about how to behave online and if anything untoward is stumbled upon then you can appropriately report it.

This liberal philosophy made her a favourite among most of her students as her lessons were (and still are) adventurous and fun.

This particular story took place when she was teaching a year six class (10/11 year olds). She had introduced the wonder of QR codes to the children. Explaining that you can link these codes to pictures and videos on the web and if your very clever on private networks.
Well the children loved it, they were creating QR codes for absolutely everything, her class was a mass of black and white squares with all manner of educational opinions and resources attached for her year 6 class.

"This is going to be a daily routine!" Thought a delighted Miss F, amazed at how quickly her class had taken to it.


Yard duty and Miss F was strolling across the yard keeping a keen eye out for juvenile behaviour.
Suddenly a fight broke out on the yard! Cue the teacher on duty! Miss F took off as quick as she could across the playground desperate to split up the fight before any lasting damage.

Now Miss F is a curvy woman who is shall we say somewhat top heavy (if you get my meaning) but this did not stop her eating the ground up like Usaine Bolt!

However, as she entered the crowd of boys, shouting for them to move aside, she tripped over her own feet and took a tumble.

How embarrassing I hear you think, well the doozy is that when she got up her blouse had completely burst open displaying... well you know what was displaying.

Valiantly Miss F still managed to split up the two juveniles who were fighting and get herself fastened and fixed for the next lesson.

That afternoon however there were a couple more QR codes than there had been in the morning, that when scanned showed a slow motion replay of Miss F bursting from her blouse with a huge POW sign at what we shall call the moment of impact right next to her red bra.

All QR codes were taken down and the whole school had a  stern telling off from the headteacher about recording devices on the school grounds.

I am pleased to say that that Miss F is still a wonderful teacher and is able to laugh about the incident. She still teaches fun and exciting lessons however she does not wear blouses for work anymore!

 Oh the things they say!

Monday, 22 February 2016

Mouse in the House!

Phobias huh? Some people sympathise, some people say "It's all in your head!" Now I am one of those people that will try to put 'mind over matter' but honestly if I climb up to the fifth rung on a ladder I get the cold sweats and basically freeze in fear, normally squealing like a small girl.

My Nan was the same with mice. She couldn't even watch Mickey Mouse without cringing and leaving the room. We (my siblings and I) were always warned about my Nan's fear of mice when we were younger. Only now I'm older and have a phobia myself do I understand what people may be going through when they are frozen in fear.

So the school had just returned from the Easter holidays, two weeks of chocolate and 'no children' the teachers were relaxed and refreshed ready for a new term (If you believe that, you'll believe anything! In this modern age of education it was more likely a week at home catching up on assessments, marking and other such endeavours! But this version makes the story more in tune with the myth of school 'holidays').

Anyway with being a Catholic school the whole term before was about 'new life' due to the resurrection of Christ. Don't worry I'm not about to preach at you, I'm just setting the scene. A plethora of wonderful activities had been undertaken, growing butterflies from caterpillars, hatching chicks, making rainbows, honestly it was magical for the children.

One activity that they enjoyed more than all the others was making lard balls full of oats and nuts and such things that birds would like to eat. Then they watched and took pictures of all of the birds that came to feed by their feeders!

Now Mrs. M had looked forward to the Easter holidays all term and subsequently when the last day of term arrived she basically threw everything into her cupboard and forced the door shut then forgot all about it.

Then it happened...

First day back and halfway through her lesson Mrs. M went into her cupboard only to discover a mouse which proceeded to run across the classroom.

Now when Mrs. M had closed her cupboard on the last day of term she didn't realise that she had squeezed in a five kilogram tub of nuts and bird feed.

So, as a teacher you always do you upmost to put the children first in everything (that is unless you have a phobia of mice). Mrs. M went sprinting down the school corridor in fear!

A day later and all had worked tirelessly to clean up the mess, the cupboard was mouse-proofed, there was not a mouse in the whole northern hemisphere that would dare go near Mrs. M's cupboard.

Then it happened again...

What Mrs. M didn't factor in to her mouse problem was the children problem. There was a particularly sly little girl (B) in her class that had observed Mrs. M's extreme reaction to the mouse.
Well we all know kids can be nasty to each other but to adults... NO!!!!

Halfway through the afternoon B screamed "MOUSE!" (There wasn't one there by the way). This triggered Mrs. M into 'Usain Bolt' mode and she shot off down the corridor.

The next day "MOUSE."

The day after the whole class had 'cottoned on.' "MOUSE."

Same reaction. After a week Mrs. M read the story of "The Boy who Cried Wolf." Hoping that this would strike a chord with the children, and it did for the most part. A week went by without any crying of "MOUSE!"

Until one day B, louder than ever screamed "MOUSE!" By this time Mrs. M had had enough and was about to give B the worst telling off of her little 'girl who cried mouses' life! Just as she took a huge breath in a 'real life' mouse ran across her foot.

Mrs. M took off like the road runner leaving a Mrs. M shaped silhouette of smoke like the Road Runner!

Time to shout the chorus like there's a mouse in the classroom!

Oh the things they say!

Saturday, 20 February 2016

Thats a strange diet!!!!

Now if there is one thing that is brilliant about teaching Early Years it is the complete and utter gullible belief they have in their teachers. For instance a child in my class the other day asked me where I live! Me being a bit of a joker said "I live on the moon!" The child gave me a long look and I was expecting him to say how much he didn't believe it, but instead he took a look around the classroom and said "So this classroom is a rocket so you can get to the moon!"

Obviously this carried through into a whole new topic and we had loads of fun designing a plethora of space travelling objects. As I say, working with 3 -5 year olds is brilliant because of their gullibility and their imagination - they can be transported to places that we as pessimistic adults can only dream about.

So Mr. Y was in his second year in the job. As a RQT (Recently Qualified Teacher) he went at every teaching point full pelt, high energy teaching was his motto, as long as the children learnt through fun he was satisfied.

The nursery he worked in was beginning to introduce rolling snack-time, meaning that the children could enjoy snack whenever they wanted. Also there was a major overhaul going on in the outdoor environment, it was redesigned and plenty of equipment for the children was now available.

Now the first problem Mr. Y had with this rolling snack area was that either the children were sat there all day "pigging out" or they flat out refused to have snack because they didn't like what was there.

Mr. Y had a completely foolproof idea (Oh the folly of the young!) he would read a book to the class called Fly Burger. It was a great book, it was in the shape of a burger and every page added a different creepy crawly topping on the burger. Well the children lapped it up, they laughed throughout. "Now they're in the palm of my hand - time for the teaching point." Mr. Y thought.

He then walked his class over to the snack area and spoke about how lovely the snack is here, not like a Fly Burger, because nobody wants worms on their food. He also explained how important it was to have a try of new food because "You never know if you might like it!"

Mr. Y also had a quiet word about sharing to those children who were camped out at the snack table all day!

"I'll try my snack Mr. Y." said a spritely little boy called E.

E subsequently received a sticker and a big well done from Mr. Y. This triggered a reaction where every child in his class wanted to try snack. "How epic am I, one small activity and BOOM all children are exploring snack." Thought a very confident Mr. Y.

Later on in the day, outdoors, the children were playing in the mud kitchen (where they can make mud pies and such with different kitchen utensils). The story that was told earlier was still fresh in the children's minds and they were enjoying digging up worms and watching them squirm on top of their mud pies. Mr. Y encouraged children to move like worms, to draw worms and many more 'wormy' activities. "How amazing has this day been, thanks to my superb idea!" Mr. Y thought.

I know, I know Mr Y is beginning to sound like a self important (insert expletive)!  But honestly it was really because he loved it when the children were learning and having fun!

Then it happened...

Screams from inside the nursery, I'm talking about high pitched screeches that would make dogs howl! Mr. Y, like a cat, leapt into action, dodging in and out of children, hurdling benches and other obstacles until he arrived at the snack area.

"What is the matter?" He asked as he saw the chaos ensuing.

Nobody answered him, they just continued to screech, all except young E (who received a sticker earlier).

He was sat there with a full bowl of worms, writhing and wriggling - calmly slurping them up and chewing them slowly!

Mr. Y took the bowl off him and gently asked as he baulked "Why?"

E replied "You said to share and try new things!"

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!! Thought the once overconfident Mr. Y.

Time for the chorus.

Oh the things they say!!!

Tuesday, 16 February 2016

I've been in this job forty odd years!!!!

Remember going on school trips when you were young? Remember the packed lunch that the kitchen would make on mass? Remember always having to hold hands with your partner and stand in a straight line? Lastly do you remember how irate your teacher would get if you flaunted the rules?

Being a teacher myself I can understand becoming irate when your perfectly safe plan is sabotaged by a fun loving child! The sad fact is that nowadays with the amount of risk assessment that needs to be done prior to the trip to keep the children safe and cover the school is inordinate. However at least once per annum there will be a school trip that will make the class teacher age at least two years by the end of the day.

Well Mr. W, an enthusiastic NQT,  thought he had solved the problem. He along with his more experienced colleagues had organised to go to a safari park. This meant that the children would be on a bus/coach, belted in and safe, and would in no way be able to break any rule! Thats right, this year nobody will be ageing with stress, everything would go swimmingly.

"Mr. W, you are a God damn GENIUS!!!!" he thought to himself.

So the school Mr. w worked in was a four form entry school, this meant that there would be four classes of 4/5 year olds on the trip, which meant the classes had to partner up on a double decker bus.

So the day began with the teachers partnering up. Now with Mr. W being a 'newly qualified teacher' he was partnered with the most experienced of the teachers in the year group - a sensible decision wouldn't you say?

So the day began - registration - "Good morning all when we have finished the register we will all try and go to the toilet!" A confident Mr . W said.

Mr. W counted all of the children 1 -25, made sure that they were all in partners to sit next to on the bus and then in a sensible line the class made their way down the corridor and out to the coach.

"I need a wee!" A little girl shouted at the back of the line.

Mr .W performed an emergency stop in the line and asked if there was anyone else who needed to 'go'.

Amazingly half of the class needed to go (even though they had only just been).

"No matter, I'm with the most experienced member of staff, the children will be belted in soon, as Dr. Pepper would say 'Whats the worst that can happen!'"

All of the children came back and got into their partners seamlessly "Are we sure we've all been to the toilet?" Mr. W asked, and was greeted by a chorus of YEAH's!

Mr. W got to the bus where he had found that Mrs T ( the most experienced member of the team) had pulled rank and put her children on the top floor.

"I thought..." Mr. W started.

"Now I'll hear none of this Mr. W, I've been in this job forty odd years..." interrupted Mrs T.

"OK no matter, carry on and have a good day with the children." thought Mr. W

All children on the bus and belted in - then Mr. W went upstairs to ask if the other class were all belted in so he could tell the driver to 'drive on.'

"I have told you Mr. W I have been in this job forty odd years, OFCOURSE THEY'RE ALL BELTED IN!" shouted a red faced Mrs T.

So on they went to the safari park. Mr. W was singing songs with his class only to have Mrs T take over and sing louder. "It's ok she's got forty odd years experience after all!" he thought. 

Mr. W then went on to tell some jokes to some children in his class, only to have... you guessed it 'the most experienced member of the team' take over again booming jokes that being honest were not even funny. "Keep calm, KEEP... CALM!!!'

Suddenly a young boy in Mr. W's class shouted "Can I have a drink sir?"

Mr. W replied "Can we wait for now until we get to the safari park when we can have a toilet brake?"
"Sensible, Mr. W, very sensible!" 

As Mr. W was saying this Mrs. T was routing through her ruck sack and pulled out two 3 litre bottle of lemonade which she duly shared out amongst her class on the upper deck.

Mr. W. asked quietly "Is that a good idea Mrs. T? There's half an hour to go on the journey!"

What do you think she said? You got it! "I've been a teacher for forty odd years..."

"OK, OK, you crank do what you want!" Thought Mr. W.

Fifteen minutes of blissfully ignoring each other went by (the most enjoyable all day as far as Mr. W was concerned).

Then it happened!!!

Screaming and shouting upstairs, Mrs T's voice booming out, shouting at random children. "HOLD IT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT!"

"Hold what?" Thought Mr. W.

Then it dawned on him! 6 litres of lemonade had been devoured by the class upstairs, and a bout of what could only be described as synchronised peeing was taking place. Amazingly it was about six boys that all 'did it' at the same time and no girls.

Mr. W could not keep the smug look off his face when the bus arrived at the safari park, as his class sensibly and dryly filtered into the toilets to relieve themselves.

Mrs T had a look of rage on her face, daring someone to question her forty odd years experience in the job. Mr. W was turning purple trying to hold in his laughter!

This was however short lived and as he was the only male member of staff on the trip, he got stuck with the job of changing and cleaning all of the boys.

"I don't mind but whose going to look after my class whilst I do this?" He asked.

Only to be answered by Mrs. T, I bet you can guess what she said!


Mr. W couldn't help himself, he'd took this all day, so he asked very politely. "There's no lemonade left in your rucksack is their I wouldn't want any more accidents!" Then turned on his heels to mop up six children!

Now the chorus does apply to adults as well!

Altogether now.

Oh the things they say!!!  

Sunday, 14 February 2016

Crush on the teacher!!!

We've all been there in school, when we have a major crush on the teacher. There is a plethora of psychological reasons why many young people have major crushes on educators.The one, however,  that in my humble opinion is the main reason is that educators are safe parental figures (very freudian I know).

This seems, in my experience, especially prevalent in younger pupils and can lead to some very humorous comments as the next story will illustrate.

So Mr. N married one of the teachers he worked with Mrs. N. I know, I know marrying a co-worker! Who in their right mind eh? But thats the way it was.

All of the older children knew and respected the fact that Mr. N and Mrs. N where married however the younger children did not know so much and there was always a fuss when they found out.

Well Mr. N at the time taught a year one class (5/6 year old children). His class were a very caring bunch constantly telling him he was their favourite teacher (no doubt this happens with most classes and their teachers).

There was however one girl we shall call F who was shall we say very taken with Mr. N, she loved showing off her work to him, she would constantly rush to be sat next to him on the carpet, and most adorably she would tell anyone who would listen that she was going to marry Mr. N one day.

One day, Mr. N was walking his class very sensibly to the dinner centre when he passed Mrs. N on the corridor, he had a quick word with her then moved on. F, who was holding Mr. N's hand asked who 'that lady was?'

Mr N replied "That is Mrs . N she is my wife!"

F stopped in her tracks and pulled on Mrs. N's sleeve to get her attention.

"Hello" said Mrs. N

F - "I didn't know you were Mr. N's love!"

Mrs. N chuckled and said "Yes I'm married to Mr. N."

F replied "I love Mr. N too!"

Then she said, with an innocent smile "You have blonde hair like me Mrs N!" (I know, cute right?)

"But" she continued "mine is long and beautiful!"

Mrs. N was little taken aback but laughed it off.

F carried on keeping that innocent smile "You have brown eyes like me except mine are gorgeous and sparkly!"

Mr. N at this point started to feel a little awkward and started to move his class onwards.

F then said as she was walking away "I will wear make-up like you and I will look beautiful and then I will marry Mr. N."

"Thats enough now F!" Said Mr. N. Thinking to himself as he saw the look on his flabbergasted wife's face he said "That escalated pretty fast!" 

But it wasn't finished yet Mrs. N and Mr. N sat down for dinner that evening and began laughing at the events of the day especially the F situation.

Both were chuckling away when Mrs. N stated "Seriously tell her to back off!"

"Wha... but... how... " Mr N said then thought SHE'S FIVE FOR GOD'S SAKE!

I am pleased to say that Mr and Mrs. N are still married and very in love not only that Mrs. N is now F's teacher and they get on very well. Or at least Mr. N hopes thats the case!

Time for the chorus.

Oh the things they say!!!

Friday, 12 February 2016

The Express train!!!

I have said in previous posts how much I enjoy student teachers. Always willing to impress by going the extra mile, no job is too big for them, they will take on anything to impress potential employers!

Don't get me wrong we've all been there, I can remember a time when a school asked me to dress like a superhero and go around the playground in front of all of the parents literally in full character. What a fool I made of myself, but I would have done anything for a job at the time - and I got one so kudos to all student teachers out there.

One particular aspect that is great about student teachers is that when you give them a little responsibility they take that to the Nth degree (and to be honest they should).

Well it was on a year 1 trip (5/6 year olds) that a particular student, Mr. P, was given the responsibility of acting as a one to one for a particularly challenging pupil.

We all saw the the bounce in his step, the way he seemed six inches taller (already 6'2 you can imagine how tall he looked to my mere 5'9). His chest was puffed out with pride and you could literally see the think bubble by the side of his head "This is it, don't f*** this up and your in!"

Pep talk done Mr. P made sure he was glued to this child's (J) side throughout the whole morning - he engaged with the activities and supported J when he found things difficult, and best of all calmed him down when he began to lose his temper.

We all sat down for lunch on a grassy knoll after a busy morning of nature walking and pond dipping.

Now before we go any further it is important to say that on this school trip we went to a place that was close to the beach. So the grassy part of the trip was obviously on a field which was about 100 feet above sea level. As you can imagine it was quite a way down to the beach so it was quite a walk down a lot of stairs to the beach. However there was another way down, at the edge of the grass there was a sheer drop to the beach which all children were warned NOT TO GO NEAR!

Well halfway through lunch Mr. P was tucking into his sandwich and lost concentration for about five seconds and then it happened...

J took off at full sprint towards the high ridge that was a sheer drop to the beach.

The teacher shouted something indistinguishable - nobody knew what she said but it was full of panic and fear!

In slow motion Mr. P rose and stood tall "If you don't f*** this up your in!" then took off after J like an express train.

He gained and gained on J who thought it was a hoot getting chased by 6'2 muscle bound, adrenaline filled panicking student teacher. If only J had seen the intent look of determination in Mr. P's eyes.

J tried to duck and dive but it was too late. Mr. P was already airborne! POW!!!! I think this sought of tackle in america is called a 'sack.' One of those hits that makes the crowd take a sharp intake of breath!

The teacher ran over thinking her pupil had been basically snapped in half!

"J, J are you alright?" She shrieked.

Mr. P rolled away and stood up victorious, J hardly able to get his breath whispered, but he teacher couldn't hear so she put her ear close to his mouth.

"What did you say?" she asked shakily.

"C-c-can we do that again?"

I am pleased to say that J never misbehaved on a school trip again and Mr. P is now a very successful teacher.

Time for the chorus:

Oh the things they say!!!

Wednesday, 10 February 2016

Magic Maths!!!!

There is nothing better than a little magic to hook the children into any subject. A little trick will engage those that are in no way interested in the subject you are teaching. This goes double if your are teaching 4/5 year olds.

Talking of doubles Mr. N was introducing a maths lesson with his reception class (4/5 year olds) based on doubling. None of them had done this before so he decided to show them how to double using a magic trick.

He simply had an empty bag and some counters. A child was chosen to put a number of counters in the bag (up to ten). Then the children would say the magic words, "hubble and bubble, make it double!"
Then with quick fingers Mr N would reach in sneakily placing in the correct amount in the bag. Then when they were counted the children were awestruck!

Mr. N repeated this at least five times to cheers from his class - The best thing was they actually all 'got it!'

Some children asked "If we put pencils in the bag what would happen?"
Mr. N replied "obviously you would double the amount."
D, a creative thinking little boy asked "What if you put your hand in?"
Mr. N (seeing a teaching point) "well we have 5 fingers on one hand, so how many would we have on one hand if we said the magic spell?"
Good enough all of the children echoed loudly "TEN!!!!" Then they all laughed!

So the lesson went on children completing their various activities with wonderful echoes of "hubble bubble, make it double!"

Mr. N smiled to himself as he took in his class, all on task and behaving beautifully.

There were even comments on how well his class were doing from passing teachers. Mr. N was snapping pictures like the paparazzi gathering evidence for how brilliant his class was in mathematics.

When bursts of laughter and loud shouts disturbed Mr. N's nigh on perfect lesson.

"How dare anyone disturb such a perfect lesson!" Thought an enraged Mr. N.

As he looked around he saw D (mentioned as the creative thinker earlier) screaming "HUBBLE BUBBLE, MAKE IT DOUBLE!" With, and get this, the magic doubling bag over his crotch area!

"D, what on earth are you doing." exclaimed a shocked Mr. N.

D - "I just wanted to see what it would be like to have two willies!"

Mr. N said "I think thats a bit silly, please put the bag down and get on with your activity!"


Time for the chorus:

Oh the things they say!!!!

Monday, 8 February 2016

I love video games as much as anyone!!!

Now I'm a self confessed gamer! I know I'm 34 year old, married with a child, in a highly mature professional career thus I rarely have the time to fit it in but I do (much to my wife's derision).

There are three good reasons that I'm a gamer:-
1. I am overweight and thus can't leap from building to building performing a double tuck somersault with a twist whilst drawing my katana and landing in the defensive tiger crouch!! I can't fight in the UFC for that matter and choke out people who are as heavy as me as I would rather run away!!! I can do all of that though on the playstation!
2. I cannot do 150 mph down a side road in order to escape from the police for illegal street racing! Mainly because I drive a Ford Fusion not a Ferrari!
3. It is illegal to carry a gun in my country - not in video games though!

Chilling out and losing myself in an alternate reality helps me wind down, that is the bottom line.

So has anyone looked at #teachlikeapirate - its fab!!!

Mr.V thought it was fab as well. He decided to set up the crime scene and let the children work out what had happened to the victim, in this case Santa Clause.

For those of you that are not familiar with this we call this 'talk less teaching' in England. Its where the children are in charge of their own learning so if you set up a 'crime scene' you can get loads of writing and creative ideas from every ability group in your class.

So as said Mr. V worked really hard setting it up and the kids where instantly hooked.

Mr. V being a creative person himself tried to not only include writing but modern technology as well. He gave the lower ability group an iPad to film and reenact what they though might have happened. There was plenty of talk about Santa falling out of the sleigh so everyone was looking forward to seeing what the group came up with.

So the lesson went on and the children were so engaged Mr. V was picturing accepting the national teaching award! He was halfway through writing his speech in his head none other than the headteacher walks in to see this inspirational lesson.

Being confident in his lesson Mr. V invites the headteacher in to the conclusion of the lesson (which we call the plenary).

Mr. V builds up the the video after reading out some of the theories as to what has happened to Santa - "Are you ready to see what really happened" Asked Mr. V and he was greeted by a chorus of "YEAH!"
"OMG I am so great its hard to put into words!!!" Mr .V thought.

He began to play the video...

THEN IT HAPPENED... National teaching award out the window!!!

The video consistent of Santa strolling along with his sack of presents obviously ready to give to some good children. Then along comes another person who screams "FREEZE MOTHERF***** before I blow you away!!!"
Then BANG BANG BANG santa was dead!

Mr V fumbled with the computer and managed to switch it off!!!

The headteacher gave the "we'll talk about this later look." As he strolled out of the room.

Obviously very serious talks ensued in the class it worked out that a certain child had been playing on Grand Theft Auto all night.

Mr . V did not receive the national teaching award but is still dreaming about it!!!!

Altogether now:

Oh the things they say!!!! 

Wednesday, 3 February 2016

The trouble with phonics.

Ok since the government in its infinite knowledge of child development decided to introduce a phonics screening test (they say its not a test but IT IS), teachers have had to come up with new wild and wonderful ways to teach the sounds in our language. Especially since they have introduced pseudo words (a complete made up word that a child will never use again, ever again).

Clever of them isn't it?

Anyway Mr. N is a creative teacher and loves teaching phonics in new and exciting ways, normally so he can act silly and get away with it.

So on one particular occasion Mr. N was soooooooooo excited about teaching phonics he actually moved the lesson to the first lesson of the day!!

Mr. N was a massive Timmy Mallet fan, for those of you who don't know who Timmy Mallet is I feel sorry for you, he was a staple of every english 90's child and Mr N was reliving the superb game of Mallet's mallet. A simple game where you have to answer your partner with a word that relates to their word e.g. they say banana you might say yellow! Get it? If you think for too long you get hit with a giant sponge mallet.

Guess what Mr. N brought into class that day? YYYYYUUUUUUPPPP!!! A giant sponge mallet! "Oh my, this is going to be so much fun I can hardly contain myself!" Thought Mr. N.

So the game he had designed was simple he would give the children a letter/sound and then they would have to think of words beginning with this sound. If they couldn't Mr N could become his childhood hero and bonk them on the head with the mallet. "Priceless" he thought chuckling to himself.

The class that Mr. N taught was, it must be said a very competitive class, they really enjoyed winning!

The game took off great, the kids loved it and laughed hard when someone got bonked on the head. Mr. N was picturing the T.V. cameras as the children enjoyed his "show" more and more. Furthermore the children were learning at the same time "How ace am I?" thought an overconfident Mr. N.

Then it happened...

H, a bright young soul, had won every game so Mr. N set him a challenge to beat everyone in class. You are even allowed to use pseudo words (alluded to earlier)!

First challenger came to the stage. Mr. N gave them the /d/ sound to work with.

Challenger - "dad"
H - "dip"
Challenger "dop"
H - "dick" (yes you read it correctly dick).
Mr. N in his head "ignore it and nothing more will be said - nothing but a slip of the tongue!"

Anyway H won that game.

Next challenger stepped forward and Mr N gave the /t/ sound.

Challenger - "tat"
H - "tit"
Mr. N "coincidence, nothing to worry about!"
Challenger - "top"
H "twat"

"GAME OVER" shouted Mr .N time for the next activity.

Mr. N, shocked as he was, continued to teach for the morning thinking about how H couldn't possibly know what all of that meant. After all he's only five!

When morning lessons had finished and the children were off to lunch H walked up to Mr. N and said "Mr .N have you ever watched the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?"
Mr. N told H that it was his favourite show when he was a little boy!
H's face beamed as he said "I know, I love that shit!" (Mr. N right now had gone a greyish pale colour).
Then, and be warned this is a doozy, H had the audacity to hold his hand up in the air and waited for a high five!!!!

The funny thing is Mr. N was so shocked he actually gave him one!!!!!

Time to shout the chorus (no expletives please H).

Oh the things they say!!!!!

Saturday, 30 January 2016

We all make mistakes, just not THAT one!!!!

There is about one thousand small things that can go wrong at the beginning of the day in lower primary school! Experienced teachers tend to pre-empt most of these by putting certain activities or rules into place that take it down to about fifty small things that could possibly go wrong (25 children = 25 bladders and bowels).

Now this is done from a lot of experience (as said above), and because as the teacher you know the children 'inside out'. BUT dya know who doesn't? Student teachers!!!!

In a way I sympathise because in the twelve weeks they are teaching, they have so much work to do to prove that they can be teachers of a high quality. Another, meaner, part of me enjoys the fact that when things do go wrong (and I have to clean it up) I know that; one they have learnt a lesson, and two that wouldn't have happened to me.

So mistakes happen, we all understand that but honestly this one is one in a million!
I was given a student when I was working in nursery we shall call him J. J was a special student as he was also an amateur body builder. AND GOOD LORD DID HE GO ON ABOUT IT!!! He used to state "I'm that proud of my body I wear the tightest clothes possible, so my pants don't fit if I wear underwear! Honestly I'm not jealous (he says through gritted teeth).

I taught J as much as possible especially about pre-empting possible situations from arising, but all I would receive back is him droning on about his training and how much he wanted to write me a training programme (mainly because I'm a bit chubby).

Honestly, as I'm writing this I have a stitch in my side with laughter!

So all of the kids enjoyed being around J - they used to call him the Hulk, for obvious reasons! One day a little boy asked could J tie his shoelaces. J had no problem with this and engaged the little boy in conversation, as any good early year practitioner would, as he squatted down...

Then it happened - we all heard it! A huge tearing sound! J's pants had obviously tore, but I'm not talking about a little tear that you could possibly hide, I'm talking about crotch to crack!

This was followed by the young boy asking J very calmly "why is your woo woo out?"

J did that walk that everyone does when you are trying to get out of the room whilst coving themselves up and he went a lovely shade of deep red.

You see, I might be chubby but I wear underwear under pants that actually fit!!!

I am pleased to say that J amended his ways and passed!

And here is the lesson for all young muscular fir students. WEAR UNDERWEAR YOU ARE NOT IN A NIGHT CLUB!!!

Time for the chorus:

Oh the things they say!!!!

Thursday, 28 January 2016

A hero in the making!!!

Ah, the toilets! Think back to when you were at primary school and how much mischief went on in the toilets. Oh the laughs I had as it was seemingly the only place the teachers could not see us. Even now as a teacher my class often ask can they go to the toilet and I know very well that they just want to get out of the lesson! The last thing I need, however,  is to refuse them and have to mop up a puddle in the middle of the classroom (which has happen and is a story for another day). 

So on a particularly hot summer term's day one of the children in Mr. N's class asked to go to the toilet. Mr . N had no problem with this and let them go and thought nothing more of it. 

Five minutes passed and Mr. N wondered where A was "maybe he's having a number two!" he thought. 

Ten minutes pass - "Thats some number two." He thought 

Fifteen minutes gone and enough was enough, the lesson wasn't that boring so he sent his teaching assistant to go and look for A.

Seconds later the door bursts open "Mr. N come quick the toilet is overflowing!" 
I know, I know how is a primary school teacher meant to plumb a blocked toilet!... But Mr. N asked no questions and leapt into action like a poor man's version of an Avenger.

Throwing the door open with his chest proudly thrust out he saw the extent as to what was happening... and he wanted to vomit! The toilet and all the toilet held was truly overflowing and A was stood there horrified because the little whippersnapper had locked the cubical and crawled underneath the door!

Now Mr. N was not the slimmest guy in the world thus he struggled to climb over the neighbouring cubical into the cubical in question. After a good thirty seconds of embarrassment he finally squeezed his way into the flooding toilet. 

He fished out the two whole toilet rolls that had been stuffed down the toilet and made sure that the toilet would stop flowing. He threw the door open expecting a hero's welcome, he put on his best walk (that would look great in slow motion). 

All Mr. N got was a shrieking A shouting "URGH!!! Mr. N has got poohey shoes!"

Mr. N swollowed down the white hot rage burning inside him, slowly looked down and realised A was right! 

Don't cha just love kids!!!!

Say it with me...

Oh the things they say!!!!!

Wednesday, 27 January 2016

A public show of affection!!!!

Who doesn't remember school assemblies? You know the ones where you get to stand up and go beetroot whilst everyone either applauds you or sings you the 'congratulations song' (without rhyme or rhythm) and every one is supposedly proud of you?

This is where today's story begins, a similar situation!

Now Miss R was a teacher who made sugar taste bitter! She was so sweet, prim and proper that she was nicknamed Miss Honey (the teacher from the popular Roald Dahl book Matilda, go figure!).

All of the children loved her and they would often say so, and when she gave her award in the assembly, she would not simply say what it was for, she would embellish the point until the child would come out to the front of the hall with the biggest head in the city, and the rest of the school was  expecting fucking Einstein to grace the school with his presence!

Oh yes everyone loved Miss (perfect) R! But was she ready for what came next?

A girl, who we shall call M,who had learning difficulties, had picked up on every child's obvious love for Miss R. She was sat in front of Miss R whilst said teacher was giving her weekly sweeter than sugar speech about a child in her class when M began to interrupt...

Miss R continued undeterred by M, but M carried on calling her!

Finally Miss R lost her seemingly never ending patience and said "M what is the matter?"
M replied "I love you so much!"
To which Miss R said, looking around the rest of the hall with an element of smugness, "Oh I love you too!"
M then said "I've got a present for you!"
Miss R duly held her hand out and M took her hand from her underwear and put a little poop in her hand!

Needless to say chaos ensued all there were screams and shouts, teachers rushing towards M to obviously remove her as she had had an accident and then there was the pasty coloured, frozen in horror Miss R still holding the ever so generous 'present' which had been so benevolently bestowed upon her!!!! React to that 'Miss Honey!'

Its time for that chorus:

Oh the things they say!!!!

Tuesday, 26 January 2016

Be careful they repeat everything!!!

I love teaching young children, every day is different and always provides me and hopefully you no end of laughter.

This little short is all about a child's love for his dad.

Every time Mr. N asks the children about their home lives one particular child (G) always says about how much he enjoys spending time with his Dad. Even at parents meetings 'Dad' is smitten with his little boy and treats him more like a best friend than a son.

Now G is a very well behaved boy, always tries his best and loves to laugh! In fact he loves to laugh so much he became the class clown, he will do anything to make his friends laugh much to Mr. N's annoyance especially when trying to teach a full class activity!

Anyway, I digress. It came to Mr. N's attention one afternoon that G had called somebody in the class a 'smackhead' (if you don't know what this is please feel free to look it up just take my word it is not a nice thing to call someone).

Well Mr. N could obviously not let this go without a stern word being had! So putting on his best disappointed face Mr. N sat g down in a quiet space and asked him what he called the other child, to which G replied "a dickhead!"

"Hang on" thought Mr. N "I'm sure it was a different word that was fed back, maybe it was a mistake on the LSA's part."

Mr. N - "Are you sure that was the word you used G?"

G - "No." (big sigh) "I called him a knobhead!"


Mr. N (outwardly and calmly).  "Oh G, no matter what you called him none of these words are nice! Where did you hear these words?"

G replied nonchalantly "my Dad calls people it only when he's in the car, he says its ok because its car rules!!!"

Then G goes on to list words you would only here in the roughest pubs and clubs at closing time.

Another awkward parents meeting for Mr. N then!!!!

Its that time again, say it with me:

Oh the things they say!!!!!

Monday, 25 January 2016

The trials of Sex and Relationship Education!

So it has become statutory now that we teach Sex and Relationship Education (S.R.E.) throughout the whole education system. This goes from 3 year olds all the way through to 16 year olds.

Now as much as I agree with all of the research behind teaching the children, in a very child friendly, way from an early age, there can be a couple of hiccups along the way.

Take what happened to Mr. V for example. He had taught a lovely S.R.E. all about making sure you washed yourself properly (this was to 4-5 year olds).
So with skilful questioning and with the use of his puppet Eric, Mr. V the children explored the correct names for the parts they would need to wash every day to keep healthy.

Well a couple of days went by and the children got on as normal learning and playing throughout the day. In Mr V's class there was a girl who spoke English as an additional language (T), she was very shy and had hardly spoke for a good three weeks.

On this particular day T began to draw heart shapes in the sand, Mr V supported this by telling her the english name and then T repeated. This was a breakthrough! Mr. V drew a hand and then said "fingers" which T duly repeated, then he said hand which again T repeated!

Oh Mr. V thought he was a genius, english words flowing from this shy young lady who had barely spoken a word since the beginning of term! He was just about to engage in a victory dance (in his head of course) when a very perceptive boy we shall call D drew a shape in the sand which was kind of hard to make out. D then in horrific slow motion said "penis" which T duly repeated.

Now guess what was the only English word T remembered and repeated to her parents!!!!

Try folks trying to explain that this is part of the curriculum to parents who don't speak the language!

Altogether now:

Oh the things they say!!!!!!!

Sunday, 24 January 2016

Dad I'm getting bullied!!!!

Oh how horrible bullies are! As a parent and as a teacher I despise the behaviour and cannot abide excuses as to why such behaviours occur JUST DON'T DO IT!

This particular story takes place in the nursery class (3/4 year old children). In this class there was one particular boy we shall call J, who was shall a full head and shoulders, physically, larger than the rest of the class. Now j had larger hands than most, larger feet than most, a larger body than most but most importantly to this story a shorter temper than most!

Now Mr.N was a fun teacher! He enjoyed making the children laugh, play games that would have them smiling constantly, he cared when they were hurt and would try to bring a smile to their little faces. In short he would do mainly anything to make the children happy!

It did however, occur to Mr. N that J was not as happy as he could be so he made a concerted effort to  give J extra attention one day. He put together jigsaws with him, until that got thrown across the room! He played with the train set with him which got the jigsaw treatment, the sand, the water the paint all got the same treatment! Everything indoors was not working so it was outside the duo went to play!

The bouncing ball was a big hit, the laughter was loud and Mr. N got that warm feeling that we all get when we feel we have achieved a great feat! Now as this glorious thought was going through his head J had swung his foot at the ball so hard that if he missed the ball it he would probably kick himself in the head. On this occasion he did in fact miss the ball and his foot connected squarely with the daydreaming Mr N's lower regions.

Mr. N duly crumpled to the floor which brought great joy to J! The following day J, looking for another big laugh through in a left hook that Mike Tyson would be proud of... IN THE EXACT SAME SPOT!!!!!
Again Mr. N crumpled to the floor! J in heaps of laughter again!
Obviously this behaviour could not be allowed to continue so stern words where had with J by Mr. N.
This however, did not stop J, he made ingenious plans to "accidentally" smash, bang and wallop Mr. N in that region!

A week later and the straw that broke the camel's back was loaded! Could this child be bullying me? thought a now terrified Mr. N. No surely not "I know" he thought "I will take a firm line with J, zero tolerance Sergeant N is in da house!"

After that excellent pep talk Mr. N sat J in time out to think about what he was doing the next time that this happened. Thinking nothing of it he sat J in a quiet place whilst he, as a responsible teacher, turned the chair around watching the rest of the class. Also thinking to himself "surely he is not bullying a teacher!"
Now Mr. N was sat as we said supervising the class with his back to J just outside the room where J was sitting, glaring that hateful glare! Then everything went black!!!

Apparently J in his wonderfully angry way had slammed the door straight into the back of Mr. N's head and knocked him clean out! I'm not talking about over exaggerating the knock on the head I'm talking truly slumped, slobbering don't know where you are knocked out!!!!

After recovering Mr. N was sent home. When his father asked why he was home early, he answered "Dad I'm getting bullied by a 3 year old!"

I suppose this has nothing to do with what they say so we should shout

Oh the things they do!!!

Saturday, 23 January 2016

The Flasher!!!

All teachers have taught "difficult" children but secretly we love them. They give us so many memories and stories to retell and look back upon part of me thinks "what would we do without those mischievous little so and so's?"

This particular story is about one such pupil who was challenging behaviourally. Again it was the Christmas play, so you can imagine how stressed the teachers were feeling trying to make sure everything goes according to plan. 

Well one particular practice session was an absolute nightmare especially with one little boy (Y) who was involved in every problem that happened in the session!

Finally the teacher had had enough she reeled off the thirty strong list of what had gone wrong with the play that day to B and sent him out of the hall for a time out.

Rookie mistake:
Have you ever heard the saying "keep your friends close but your enemies closer."
This translated to teacher speak is "Keep the well behaved on track and keep your 'misbehavers' glued to your side fixing them with 'the teacher stare' until they can't help but behave!" Not as catchy, granted, but true nonetheless!

So now young Y was able to let those devilish cogs turn in his head and come up with a dastardly scheme. 
"I need a wee!" Y blurted out to the nearest adult who was around.
"Ok Y, but come straight back." (after all the last this we need is a wet misbehaving child) said the nearest adult!

So off Y went to the toilet were he proceeded to keep the door open slightly and wait for innocent passers by. Then when they were least suspecting it BOOM "Have a look at this!" he would shout and children being children would laugh and run in and tell there teacher. 

Before any teachers got there Y had flashed one to many people and when he said to A "whaddya think of this?" She replied nonchalantly "Not much really." then proceeded to yell to the whole school that Y had a tiny "spout for his teapot!"

Y went bright red and fumbled for his pants not expecting any sort of answer!

Well as a teacher you have to keep a look of outrage on your face in usual misbehavioural circumstance this happened for about five seconds until the adults could not hold in the giggles any longer! 

Y was escorted away from the crowd and it must be said dealt with professionally and calmly, he has become a legend in the staffroom as soon as someone says remember Y there are fits of laughter!

Even more laughter when they all remember the quick witted girl who managed somehow to do a better job than any of the teachers in nullifying Y's misdemeanours. 

Time for the chorus folks:

Oh the things they say!!!!

Thursday, 21 January 2016

The invincibility of a NQT!!!!

God I loved being a Newly Qualified Teacher! (NQT). I felt like I was Luke Skywalker or that girl off the new Starwars who I can't remember the name of... Anyway you get my point the force was awakened! With my pen as a proverbial lightsaber and my board as the Millennium Falcon we could travel through the educational universe fighting the proverbial darkside of misunderstanding and lack of progress! At least that is how this certain NQT felt up to lunchtime on their first day.

Being young and enthusiastic this teacher, who we shall call Mr. S, he was primed for a great first day in his reception class (4-5 years of age). He wanted to make the best impression on his class as he could, so he set up his class to have lovely activities for the children to do all day.
Throughout the morning 'yes' was his favourite word, especially to a little girl called C.
C - Can I go the toilet Mr. S?
Mr. S - Yes C.
C- Can I have some snack Mr S?
Mr S - of course you can C.
C - Can I play in the sand?
Mr. S - Yes.
C - Can I have another banana?
Mr. S - Yes
C - Can you read me a book.
Mr. S - Yes any book you like!
C - Can I have another Milk.
Mr. S - Yes you can.

3 bananas and 2 and a half cartons of milk later the ticking time bomb that was C exploded gloriously!

Projectile pieces of banana and curdled milk flew in bullet time at Mr. S. He tried to go all Matrix on it and dodge it looking cool at the same time...

To absolutely no avail!

Covered in vomit Mr. S give his most pleading look to his LSA (Learning Support Assistant), whome he did not realise was very squeamish and was heaving over the bin at his point. Thankfully the dinner lady came to take the children for lunch and Mr. S cleaned C and himself up.

A shell shocked Mr. S bravely came back in the afternoon(after a quick jaunt to Asda to get some new clothes), needless to say his answer in the afternoon to the most innocent questions was "No."

God I loved being a NQT!

Its all semantics.

There is nothing more annoying to a teacher when children do not follow your instructions exactly!!!!
The thing is when they don't follow your instructions nine times out of ten it is in fact the teacher not making themselves clear enough as the following situation well demonstrates.

Mr. N was in a really good mood because he very much enjoys teaching his year 1 class P.E (thats physical education for those of you that are not aware). However the one problem he was having was getting them changed into their P.E. kits.
He had then a brilliant idea:

"OK class, today we are going to get ready for P.E. without any mishaps! All you all have to do is listen to my instructions and all will be well." He said to the 25 eager eyes that were taking in his every word.

"All I want you to do is take your uniform off and put it on the chair you are standing behind before you get ready into your kits."

The children good enough began to take their uniforms off whilst Mr.N helped with some tricky buttons etc.

"Next Mr. N continued put on your P.E. kits and we will be ready to go!"

Smiling to himself, like that evil genius does when his plan is coming together in James Bond movies, he looks around the room at everyone but one child in their P.E. kits.

F, a sweet little girl, through tear brimmed eyes and a quivering lip stated "I can't do it!"

Mr. N patiently walked over giving a sigh "Why can this not... oh!"

As he looked at F's chair he saw that the dress had been put on the chair as you would a person, the same with the t - shirt and the jumper, the bit she was struggling with however was putting the tights on the legs of the chair because and I quote "it has four legs and I only have two."

"Oh F," Mr. N said "what have you done?"


A sheepish Mr. N helped F get ready for P.E. and she collected more sticker rewards in that lesson than any other to date! whether this was due to actually being good at P.E. or Mr. N's guilt, only Mr. N knows.

Its time for the chorus everyone.

Oh the things they say!!!!  

A Christmas performance to remember!

Now, I work in a Catholic School so Christmas is a big deal. The teachers spend at least half of the term preparing the children in their various roles using as much creativity as they dare to make the Christmas performance memorable and special for the parents.

One year the teachers decided to firstly perform a couple of songs and dances about modern society and how we perceive Christmas now (bare in mind this is a difficult job to do with 6 year old children). So the songs were about Christmas shopping (which went down fabulously), Christmas dinner (again went down well, excuse the pun!), and lastly Christmas T.V. namely the X-factor!

So the children began performing their rock song, like they were on the X factor. It was going so well, the audience of proud parents were clapping along, there were smiles of relief/pride from the teachers, even the little boy with learning difficulties (A) was keeping in time.

And then it happened...
The finale....

The children slid on their knees to the audience shouting Yeah, rock on...

Apart from young A who decided to shout

"You fuck off!"

You could not hear a pin drop in the room, all of the teachers began to panic and shuffle on to the next scene as quickly as possible, whilst A's mum sat there with her face turning a wonderful colour of deep red.

Say it with me everyone...

Oh the things they say!

Wednesday, 20 January 2016

Miss H's music lesson!!!

Oh the Things They Say:

My dear parents, it is with a serious timbre in my voice and a twinkle in my eye that I write some of the completely hilarious and, for you, somewhat embarrassing things that the children have said in class which have made me near burst with laughter!

As I have said in my previous post I am a primary school teacher and I will be publishing some of the wet-yourself-laughing comments that they have said. Being honest it is not just the children that say the darnedest things but the teachers as well.

The Orchestra: 

This is one of my favourites:

Miss H is listening to an orchestral piece in a very calm class and the children are trying to listen and pick out which instruments are playing and when (it sounds boring but I promise the children loved the lesson).
The class are getting on very sensibly and having a good attempt at all of the instruments. 
Suddenly within the musical piece there is the long drawn out sound of a certain wind instrument. 

Nobody in the class knew what the instrument was called so Miss H explained that it was called an oboe. 
One boy in the class quite sternly interrupted Miss H and said incredulously
"Miss H I think you are mixed up, an oboe is a stinky man who lives on the street!"

Miss H replies "I think, J, you may be referring to a Hobo!!!!"

What its all about!

Well hello everyone, I won't go on and bore you with full biography of who I am, but you do need to know a little about me to know where I'm coming from!

I'm an Early Years teacher (please don't groan I promise I won't type in my teacher voice), so I have to speak in a sing song voice all day and smile like sunbeams are bathing me with a delightfully warm caress all day - kinda like the 70's all over again every day!

I am a doting father of a beautiful 3 year old daughter and a proud husband to my beautiful wife who is also a primary school teacher (how sorry do you feel for my daughter).

Thats about it really about me, I have basically decided to blog for two reasons -
Reason number one: The children in the school I teach at are way more advanced than me in every aspect of modern technology - and I am the Computing coordinator (shy, embarrassed smile). more can be read about that on my other blog at

Reason number two: I love my job mainly because every day is different - my Dad always said to me think of something that has made you laugh throughout the day so that it is never wasted! Well in my job the children do something hilarious every day and I promise not one of them will be the same.

So for the foreseeable future I will be publishing some of the funniest moments in my 12 year career, I hope that you enjoy them as much as I still do. I also hope to do them justice.

Enjoy folks