The trouble with phonics.

Ok since the government in its infinite knowledge of child development decided to introduce a phonics screening test (they say its not a test but IT IS), teachers have had to come up with new wild and wonderful ways to teach the sounds in our language. Especially since they have introduced pseudo words (a complete made up word that a child will never use again, ever again).

Clever of them isn't it?

Anyway Mr. N is a creative teacher and loves teaching phonics in new and exciting ways, normally so he can act silly and get away with it.

So on one particular occasion Mr. N was soooooooooo excited about teaching phonics he actually moved the lesson to the first lesson of the day!!

Mr. N was a massive Timmy Mallet fan, for those of you who don't know who Timmy Mallet is I feel sorry for you, he was a staple of every english 90's child and Mr N was reliving the superb game of Mallet's mallet. A simple game where you have to answer your partner with a word that relates to their word e.g. they say banana you might say yellow! Get it? If you think for too long you get hit with a giant sponge mallet.

Guess what Mr. N brought into class that day? YYYYYUUUUUUPPPP!!! A giant sponge mallet! "Oh my, this is going to be so much fun I can hardly contain myself!" Thought Mr. N.

So the game he had designed was simple he would give the children a letter/sound and then they would have to think of words beginning with this sound. If they couldn't Mr N could become his childhood hero and bonk them on the head with the mallet. "Priceless" he thought chuckling to himself.

The class that Mr. N taught was, it must be said a very competitive class, they really enjoyed winning!

The game took off great, the kids loved it and laughed hard when someone got bonked on the head. Mr. N was picturing the T.V. cameras as the children enjoyed his "show" more and more. Furthermore the children were learning at the same time "How ace am I?" thought an overconfident Mr. N.

Then it happened...

H, a bright young soul, had won every game so Mr. N set him a challenge to beat everyone in class. You are even allowed to use pseudo words (alluded to earlier)!

First challenger came to the stage. Mr. N gave them the /d/ sound to work with.

Challenger - "dad"
H - "dip"
Challenger "dop"
H - "dick" (yes you read it correctly dick).
Mr. N in his head "ignore it and nothing more will be said - nothing but a slip of the tongue!"

Anyway H won that game.

Next challenger stepped forward and Mr N gave the /t/ sound.

Challenger - "tat"
H - "tit"
Mr. N "coincidence, nothing to worry about!"
Challenger - "top"
H "twat"

"GAME OVER" shouted Mr .N time for the next activity.

Mr. N, shocked as he was, continued to teach for the morning thinking about how H couldn't possibly know what all of that meant. After all he's only five!

When morning lessons had finished and the children were off to lunch H walked up to Mr. N and said "Mr .N have you ever watched the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?"
Mr. N told H that it was his favourite show when he was a little boy!
H's face beamed as he said "I know, I love that shit!" (Mr. N right now had gone a greyish pale colour).
Then, and be warned this is a doozy, H had the audacity to hold his hand up in the air and waited for a high five!!!!

The funny thing is Mr. N was so shocked he actually gave him one!!!!!

Time to shout the chorus (no expletives please H).

Oh the things they say!!!!!